Entry 11: In Alaska
When Kookie Banjo Jr. was a young bird (‘boooord’ as he would pronounce it) he discovered portals. It was one of the many benefits of the Cwazy Gene (see: Entry 1): developing a sixth sense for the fantastical elements of the world just outside the bounds of normal reality. The jury was out if these things always existed or only came to exist through the sheer power of an absurd imagination. Either way portals afforded Kookie with a rare opportunity to travel the world generously at zero cost. That was handy for a scamming bird with a notorious history of white-collar crimes.
Kookie’s favourite feature of portals was that they were hidden in the most unlikely locations: a cardboard box in a factory warehouse, a decorative vase in the home furnishings section of the department store, the big outdoor plant in someone’s front yard. All that was required was to tug down a tiny knob near the bottom edge and the object would shift sideways to reveal a gaping hole. Then you jumped into the hole, stating your destination as follows: City/Region, Country. So despite Kookie’s serious academic deficiencies after the onset of the Cwazy Gene, he always made sure to keep his geographical knowledge top-notch by carrying around a world map.
The only downside of using portals was that you couldn’t take your personal belongings or any worn materials with you, including clothes (luckily a non-issue for animal travellers) as they would be consumed by what could only be described as a flame in the periphery of the space occupied between destinations. There was also a low- to medium-risk of frostbite, but this could be reversed by spending a few hours in front of a gas heater.
When Louis followed Kookie by jumping into the portal situated in a large oil can, leaving the suitcase with the GPS tracker and all his belongings behind, he could only describe the experience as being suspended mid-air in whirling pitch blackness. From the corner of his eye he saw glimpses of a bright orange flame that somehow made similar sounds to a vacuum. Kookie yelled out something like, “Flames keep the portal space clean of useless debris and personal valuables, it is such an important service they provide”, but it was hard to hear over the hum of the dark floating space. It was over within a few seconds. Without knowing how, Louis found they had gone from the portal space to a normal outdoor area somewhere on Earth. Louis looked around: it was a snow-covered field in the woods, and there were many other snow-covered fields and hills as far as the eye could see stretching out to the horizon. The sky was overcast and Louis suddenly became aware of an extreme coldness. He shivered. Next to him, Kookie was pecking at a tree with a hollowed centre. Louis assumed this was the destination ‘portal’ they had arrived through. Kookie was muttering something.
“Where are we, Kookie?” Louis asked, breathing in gasps with the cold and adrenalin rush of his first portal experience.
“Alaska, United States of America or the U.S.A.”
“Listen,” Louis placed his wing on Kookie’s shoulder to try and convey, as much as he could to a cwazy bird, the importance of his next question. “Is it possible to get back home? Through that tree I’m guessing?”
“No, no,” Kookie replied, still pecking at the tree and muttering, “This appears to be what is called a ‘maybe-portal’ – a rare type of portal but they do exist! That means you can request your destination, but it only listens to you some of the time.”
“Some of the time?” Louis exclaimed. “What the heck does that mean?”
“It means maybe 48% of the time it will listen to you. Other times, it chooses for you. It can be a fun adventure.”
Louis groaned, “How are we going to survive in this climate? We’re Aussie birds, this isn’t right for us.” He hopped around to try and gain some body heat. It was only then that he became aware of a searing pain in his tail and turned to look at it. To his horror, his tail was frozen solid like an ice cube.
Kookie turned to look too. “Oh looks like you have a case of frostnip! An ordinary side effect from portals. You must sit in front of a gas heater.”
Louis glared at him. “Thanks for the info. I’ll get right on to that – sourcing a gas heater out in the wilderness!”
Kookie ignored his outburst and went wandering. Louis was too tired and upset to follow and flew to the top of the tree, where there were occasional snatches of sunlight and warmth.
He must have dropped off to sleep. When he woke up again, it was to the sound of Kookie calling to him from the bottom of the tree.
“Hello there! We will be staying in the cave of a dear friend, Puffin, who helped me when I was escaping from the authorities a couple decades before.”
“Of course,” Louis replied with attitude, “And why would I want to stay in a cave with some weird friend of yours? I think I might try out that maybe-portal instead and take my chances on where I get to. Thanks anyway.”
“Sure,” Kookie said a little too agreeably for Louis’ taste. Kookie waddled off, mumbling something about “fun adventures in many places from Argentina to Papa New Guinea, who knows?”
Louis rolled his eyes and flew down to the base of the tree. He felt around the surface of the tree hollow then nervously put his wing inside, expecting it to be either consumed by flames or taken by frostbite, as ridiculous as it was for both outcomes to be possible. Nothing happened. His heart sank as it dawned on him he had no idea how to operate portals. For some stupid reason, he assumed it would be easy. And who knew, maybe the Cwazy Gene had given Kookie powers Louis could only dream of. It was all pretty unfair. Louis looked around but Kookie was out of sight. His tail was hurting a lot at this point and it was hard to ignore.
Louis flew around the fields, trying to spot Kookie. But darkness was fast approaching and it was hard to see in the dimming light with the swirling winds and snow. He began to call out loudly. Just as he was about to give up, he saw a bird appear from some hidden space and wave up at him. It was an odd-looking bird with a bright orange beak and what looked like blond hair slicked back over its head. Probably one of the weird local birds. Louis descended and the bird grinned widely. “You must be Louis, heard a lot about ya!”
“That’s right. Is Kookie with you?”
“Yep! Inside the burrow back there. Fast asleep, the spaghetti-eating factory hehehe. Heard you got some frostnip goin’ on, wanna come in?”
“Wouldn’t mind but I doubt I can heat up anywhere in this climate,” Louis said.
“No worries about that, we have a gas cylinder or two that we can heat up for ya.”
Louis stared at the local bird, wondering when he would ever hear a normal thing said again. “Lead the way,” he said bleakly.
