Entry 23: The Interview

Louis’ “unauthorised” biography of Kookie was going well. Ever since starting, he had blazed through the first 15 chapters outlining their adventures to date. These (traumatic) memories were mixed in with less recent stories about Kookie’s past, based on his dubious recollections and news archives.

Louis had commissioned Samson to add illustrations to each chapter and contribute to the cover art, now that he knew about Samson’s hidden talent. Samson seemed to be taking the project too seriously. His demeanour became altogether unrecognisable. His eyes lost their bug-like haze of glee and were laser-focused. He put on a white coat and disappeared into the pantry for days on end. Anytime he left the door accidentally open, Louis caught a glimpse of puddles of melted candy and paint mixing on the floor. The whole room smelled like kerosene.

Louis decided to add to his biography a current interview with Kookie, to provide some useful context on his ‘character flaws’ (aka the Cwazy Gene). He had found some footage of a much older interview with Kookie from the 1960s, but that was mainly focused on Kookie’s personal feelings about the moon landing. The main takeaway was that Kookie didn’t understand why it was necessary.

On an ordinary afternoon as Rome advanced into winter, Louis finally managed to get a hold of Kookie for the interview. Kookie had been disappearing a lot lately, which he wouldn’t explain other than saying in a suspicious way something about “making amends with ex-colleagues”.

Louis began his line of questioning.

“Let’s start with your name for the record.”

“Kookie Banjo Junior.”

“And when were you born, Kookie?”

Kookie narrowed his eyes, shuffled uncomfortably and said, “My family only measures age by number of wars attended.”

“And how many wars is that?”

“15 human wars seen from a distance, two human wars with minimal participation, six animal wars with minimal violent participation, one photojournalism excursion, one spy activity.”

“And how do you expect anyone to believe any of that?”

“Why question a lie if it is my belief?”

Louis scowled, “Tell us about your philosophy degree, what are some of the key lessons you learned? You know, about ethics?”

“Well,” Kookie looked unbelievably smug for a bird who still thought the internet was a type of basketball court. “In business theory, we learn that to survive you must maximise profits, yes?”

“Yes.”

“That applies everywhere, for all theories.”

“In what sense?”

“To have a good life, you need to maximise.”

“Yeah, but what are you maximising?”

Kookie became indignant, “Just-like – supersize it, all of it!”

“All of what?”

“All the food and all of the drinks. And the sauce factories.”

“Alright, moving right along, can you tell us what your goals are for the next year?”

Kookie looked back blankly.

Louis sighed. He hated to bring this topic up because he was exhausted by it, but Kookie clearly needed a nudge, “So do you have any, uh, new business ideas?”

Kookie straightened up. “I have a number in the making but one of my favourites is about the power of positivity to convince customers to buy the product. Like if you have a cleaning service for garbage but really it is pigeons going through your home for treasures to give me- I mean for their own salaries. You can call it ‘bird-supportive garbage collection services’ – because they, the humans, are supporting the pigeons in their salaries – with stolen treasures.’

“By treasures you mean stuff in their garbage, right?”

“No, I mean like jewellery in cupboards. We can empty the bins, too.”

Louis decided to take it up a notch. “So Kookie, you have a long history of crippling debt, failed business models, debt collectors hunting you down, legal battles, not to mention your inheritance of the Cwazy Gene and white collar crime sprees. Which one has been the hardest challenge for you?”

Kookie considered, “You mean if I choose which ones to do again, which would I pick not to do again?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes…”

“I choose not to have debt collectors, please.”

“No, that’s not what I meant-”

“To be clear it is not debt, it is a profit that will be maximised in a future time or place. I have explained this many time to the collectors, but they do not understand the soundness of business theories.”

“Are they still after you, these debt collectors?”

“Depends if you mean the ones that were pigeon messengers who I convinced to work for me instead, or the recent replacements who keep following me.”

“Obviously the recent ones!”

Kookie was silent for a moment, then said, “I think they are debt collectors, but they may also be ‘profit support services’ as they like to call it. Maybe I can trust them?”

Louis didn’t know what else to say on this point, so he consulted his list of questions.

“Alright, one final question, Kookie. You have done many wrong things. Or committed many ‘mistakes’, let’s say. If there was one good way to make up for them, what would it be?”

“If I make mistakes, I apologise. But it is my opinion that I contribute a lot to entrepreneurship! And to philosophy, public relations, factory production and garbage clean-up. And I thank those who helped me, like the minimal wage, I mean very well paid pigeons, the portal maintenance team, and the lawyers who argue no legal obligations for birds.”

“What if that changed and human laws suddenly applied to birds?”

Kookie frowned, “Does that mean I can hire parachutes through legal means?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay, then I agree with it.”