Entry 24: Book Tour
At long last, the unauthorised biography was complete: Louis had finished a couple drafts, added Samson’s cover art of Kookie carrying a suitcase full of donuts in a blizzard of whipped cream, and had Kookie confirm in writing that the biography was, in fact, ‘unauthorised’ – despite featuring a full-page interview with him (see: Entry 23).
Louis pitched the manuscript to publishers and finally landed a meeting with a mid-sized publisher in the UK, ‘Wilted Spinach Press’, who agreed to a Zoom meeting.
“So! Louis the lorikeet, thank you for sending us this fantastic manuscript,” Yak Grooves, the senior editor, boomed through the microphone, holding up the bulk of paper that was the biography.
“I’m incredibly excited to be considered by this prestigious publishing house,” Louis grinned.
Yak put an ear to the camera, “Sorry buddy, you seem to be on mute!”
Louis clapped at the keyboard with his wings, not happy that they were ill-designed for bird usage.
“There you go!” Yak said, “Now, let’s be serious a moment. I thought this whole thing was a prank– someone pulling my leg, I mean can you imagine – a bird writing an exposé on another bird then pitching it to publishers? Who knew? We might need a book about you next. Ha-ha! I mean, where did you even learn to hold a pen?”
Yak appealed to his colleague, also on the line, for her thoughts.
Lilly “Lillypower” Liang agreed, “I don’t reckon a pigeon would have the brains for that! And besides, what’s up with this kookaburra, anyway. Is there such a thing as the ‘Cwazy Gene’?”
Louis was about to reply but Yak cut in, “I believe it’s the real deal, Lillypower, I had to Google the thing and found rumours floating around for like the last century about this rogue kookaburra character, smart as a cookie, who kind of lost its way and went on a white-collar crime spree! Thing is, no one could get a hold of the bird – till now,” Yak rubbed his hands together.
“Yes, that’s what we wanted to confirm with you, Louis,” Lilly turned to him, “We hear you have direct access to Kookie Banjo Junior?”
“That’s right,” Louis said. It was the first time he was proud to be associated with Kookie.
“Excellent, excellent!” Yak said. “That’ll be good for coverage. Well, that’s it then. I think we’re gonna publish this book, isn’t that right Lillypower?”
“Absolutely,” Lilly beamed.
Louis clapped, “Thank you so much, I’m so grateful! And you’re happy with the cover art suggestion?”
Yak and Lilly exchanged glances.
“Thing is, Louis, that cover art was a bit disturbing,” Yak said in a low voice.
There was an awkward silence then Lilly said, “And that’s why we love it! It’s as wacky as the birds in this project.”
Louis tried his best to laugh along.
“Sorry for pulling your leg there, buddy,” Yak said, showing his big white teeth.
The book was a hit within a month of being published. Louis and Kookie were suddenly in demand , being swamped with requests for interviews. Kookie was only half-aware of what all the fuss was about: he already believed in his own genius and it was gratifying to see others finally agree with him.
They started travelling the globe and getting used to the fame. Eventually, they returned to Australia as part of their joint book tour. Louis was wary of this, but the money and accolades were too much to resist. Also, they could fly first class in human planes for once instead of roughing it through one of Kookie’s portals. It didn’t hurt that their publisher had reached a special deal with the Australian government (and all world governments) not to investigate Kookie’s past crimes in return for a cut of the book’s profits.
The tour was going well, until a book signing event in a Dymocks shop in Sydney. Kookie and Louis were sitting at the signing desk with a long line of people waiting with their copies of the book. Here and there in the line there were also animals of different kinds, including a brush turkey, a possum and a quokka. But Louis missed spotting the head-honcho duck skater until he reached the desk. Next to him was Jazz, the duck skater with the colourful beanie collection.
“Well, well, well! Lookie who we have here,” the main duck skater said.
“Couple of flea-infested sell-outs, I’d say,” Jazz said, peering at them from underneath her beanie.
Louis felt a loss of sensation in his limbs. He gaped at them.
The main duck skater turned to Kookie, “Cat’s out of the bag about your Cwaaaz-y gene, hey? You seem awful celebratory about it, signing copies of your own burn book,” he cackled and the skaters elbowed each other in the ribs.
“It’s a book about my life achievements,” Kookie corrected.
“Yeah sure, Shakespeare.”
“What do you want?” Louis finally managed to say.
The main duck skater leaned his wings on to the edge of the desk and brought his face close to Louis’.
“Well here’s the thing, buddy boy. There’s still a villain in the picture, you know the guy?”
“Called the Duck around these parts,” Jazz said.
“Ugh, can’t he just move on?” Louis said, exasperated.
“Don’t think so mate. Fella’s got a thing for settling unpaid debts. And looks like you’ve come into quite a bit of cash.”
Louis was feeling sheepish. “I forgot to negotiate the royalty rate.”
The duck skater rolled his eyes, “That’s the kind of amateur mistake the Duck would never make. Come on now, what was their starting offer?”
“Hey!” One of the people waiting in line called out as the skaters continued to share handy publishing tips with Louis, “What’s taking so long?”
The main duck skater swivelled around, “Mind your own business, or you’re a goner in the bird revolution!”
He turned back to Louis, “Well, that’s it for now. Here’s the bank account deets,” he slapped down a piece of paper. “Transfer the money by end of the month, otherwise you’re a goner too – for reals this time!”
“Yeah, for total reals,” Jazz said.
As the duck skaters left, throwing their copy of the biography at the quokka’s head, Louis felt his inner resolve steeling. He turned to Kookie, “That’s it! The Duck is going down – and for ‘reals’ this time.”
“By ‘real’ you mean in the metaverse, correct?” Kookie said.
