Entry 27: Insurance Investigation
From the archives: While Kookie has had countless jobs over the course of his inflated years, in none has he failed so spectacularly as when he was investigating insurance claims. Here’s the full story, from the unauthorised biography by Louis the lorikeet.
When Mr Crums mentioned Kookie’s time as an insurance claims investigator (see: Entry 25), I just knew that I had to look it up. This led me down a wild and dark path, one that even I (with my extensive history dealing with Kookie) was ill prepared for.
Long story short, I managed to get in touch with an insurance client who had the extreme bad luck of dealing with Kookie Banjo Jr. This client, let’s call them Mr Y (for privacy reasons), came home one day to find that their car had been set on fire. Luckily, a neighbour had hosed down the car in time to prevent the fire from spreading. In any case, Mr Y came home to the sight of their beloved antique car burnt and rotting.
“I did what any sensible person would do at that point and called the police and my insurance company,” Mr Y tells me. “The police weren’t useful – what do you expect – making false promises about finding the criminal who did this to my car. They took a quick statement and were on their way. But my insurance company – boy did I expect better from them! Can you imagine my surprise when they sent a bird to evaluate my claim?”
I could believe it – my research had revealed that Kookie was surprisingly employable, which makes you lose all hope in our planet.
“Well, this agent, who introduced himself as ‘Mr Banjo’, inspected the car and the driveway, the whole scene. He had a couple pigeons snapping photos from every angle. I found one of the pigeons stealing food I had laid out for my cat and I had to just take it. Then Mr Banjo sat me down for an interview which went like this:
“Did you set fire to your own car?”
“Of course not, I loved that car! It’s a precious antique-”
Kookie, shuddering, cut me off and insisted on seeing a photo of the car. When I showed it, he muttered something that I swear sounded like “Ugly car got what it deserved”. He then took out my claim form and with great theatrics, stamped it with the huge red word ‘Denied’.”
Mr Y exhales. “Well, I was devastated. But I carried on, until one day not long after, my neighbour knocked on my door. Said that they wanted to show me some footage. Now I didn’t have a security camera set up outside my place – wish I had – but turns out my neighbour did! They said that they had been checking out some recent footage to figure out something funny going on with their mail, when they happened to come across something from the day that my car was burnt: a round bird waddling across the footpath in front of their house. This bird, that looked like the spitting image of Kookie Banjo Jr., disappeared off camera in the direction of my home. Then, a few minutes later smoke started to crawl back in the direction of my neighbour’s house, clearly visible on camera.
I was shook. I lodged a complaint against Kookie Banjo Jr. and next thing I know I’m being called in for a hearing against him! Turns out his employer had already grown suspicious and after further investigation, had discovered that at least 50% of the claims Kookie investigated involved damages he had caused himself!
At the hearing, Kookie was asked to explain himself and this was his response: “Well you see it was very logical to me. It is many times a day that I see very ugly things,” (“oogly”) Kookie peered around the room. “And in my employment I am also an insurance claims investigator, which I enjoy. I particularly like stamping ‘Denied’ on claim forms, it is a satisfactory resolution to me. So I thought: why don’t I set fire to ugly things that people own, so getting rid of the ugly thing, and when they make a claim I deny it because the ugly thing deserved it? And they deserve it for owning an ugly thing? That way, I kill two birds with one stone! Those two things being the joy of destroying ugly things and the happiness of stamping ‘Denied’ on claim forms.’
The room was stunned by this logic. A lawyer asked Kookie to give examples of so-called ugly things. Kookie listed ping pong tables, maroon front doors, robot vacuum cleaners and antique cars.
I could no longer take it and yelled out: “Why don’t we literally kill two birds with one stone: you and maybe one of those dumb pigeons working for you?”
There was silence in the room and then hushed whispers of disapproval at what I’d said.
Then, after the hearing I got pulled aside and you’ll never believe what happened. I was told that my outburst in the hearing room was so offensive, that I had to compensate Kookie for the personal injury I had caused him. Sure, I received compensation money for my burnt car, but I ended up paying 75% back to Kookie!”
Mr Y gazes off into the distance with that same glazed, defeated look I’ve seen countless times on those who have interacted with Kookie in any capacity. “Well, now I can’t get a decent job because it says on my record that I’m anti-bird.”
